Carlton Draught

 

In the UK, those who drink for the sake of drinking rather than the pleasure of tasting often pour Fosters or XXXX down their throats. No sane Aussie touches the former and, outside Queensland and the Northern Territory, no one goes near the latter either.

Yet, here in Victoria, the land of the much-maligned VB, those same people will guzzle Carlton Draught as if their lives depend on it. OK, the bastards at the brewery have got a monopoly in certain places (sporting venues, the bars at the comedy festival, etc), but surely if you can steer clear of Fosters and XXXX you can make that little extra effort to avoid Carlton.

Perhaps I can help. Here’s how it’s made:

• Whenever rain falls in Victoria, the makers of Carlton use a network of intricate channels to ensure the water flows into large hollows they’ve created in a mixture of soil and tarmac
• Then they throw in doormats gathered from the homes of recently deceased old people
• This water / doormat hybrid is left to stagnate in the sun for six weeks before being decanted into kegs
• Rats’ arses are directed into tiny holes in these kegs by brewery staff who then squeeze the vermin’s bellies in order that they carbonate the liquid with their farts
• It is then sold to you and you drink it

So, blessed with that knowledge, don’t you agree it’s time to say to the brewery: “Enough is enough!”